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Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
:: If you lived in the Dark Ages,...
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"If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, 'Can't you make it shoot farther?' No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." -
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Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
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Top 5 quotes from Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
"Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags."
"Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way."
"You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of 'accidentally' brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress."
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
Top 5 quotes from Age, Art, Darkness, Life, Light, Sorrow
"Advertising is like learning -- a little is a dangerous thing."
"Always be a little kinder than necessary."
"Happiness sneaks through a door you didn't know that you left open."
"Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God."
"The distinction between children and adults, while probably useful for some purposes, is at bottom a specious one, I feel. There are only individual egos, crazy for love."
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