God quotes by Dave Barry

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Quotes by Dave Barry in God category:

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"RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages."
"Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz."
"Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou."
"Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it."
"Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations."
"The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on."
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."
"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."
"And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
"Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00"
"Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
"Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?"
"Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques."
"Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
"I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose."
"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."
"Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor."
"How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"Many people quit looking for work when they find a job."
"Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have."
"I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy."
"Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved."
"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."
"For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord."
"Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."
"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
"Please excuse Mary. She is having problems with her ovals."
"Please excuse Fred Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Fred was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing area."
"Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
"Please excuse Fred from P.E. for a few days. He fell yesterday out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
"Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33."
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him."
"Murphy's golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
"Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies."
"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"
"Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege."
"A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
"Of course the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ("'Yes, yes, YES!' moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture")."
"Question: " I understand that Congress is considering a so-called 'flat' tax system. How would this work?" Answer: "If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool."