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"Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, 'Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?' (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)" Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 2.2500 average rating Rate this Quote
"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun.'" Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 4.4615 average rating Rate this Quote
"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep." Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 3.6667 average rating Rate this Quote
"If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you." Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 3.3846 average rating Rate this Quote
"I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call 'image fuzz-out.' But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here." Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 4.0000 average rating Rate this Quote
"Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question." Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 4.5000 average rating Rate this Quote
"If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you." Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 2.3333 average rating Rate this Quote
"If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite." Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 3.0000 average rating Rate this Quote
"If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they kept the head, you'd probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you know, I bet it's surprisingly warm." Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 2.4000 average rating Rate this Quote
"When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes." Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 3.6667 average rating Rate this Quote
"When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change." Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh 4.3125 average rating Rate this Quote
"Acceptance. It is the true thing everyone longs for. The one thing everyone craves. To walk in a room and to be greeted by everyone with hugs and smiles. And in that small passing moment, you truly know you're loved, needed, and accepted." Rena Harmon 5.0000 average rating Rate this Quote
"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others." Sydney J. Harris 4.3333 average rating Rate this Quote
"Nobody can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own." Sydney J. Harris 5.0000 average rating Rate this Quote
"Loving someone is easy but losing someone is hard." Shelby Harthcock 3.3333 average rating Rate this Quote
"Having a place to go - is a home. Having someone to love - is a family. Having both - is a blessing." Donna Hedges 4.7727 average rating Rate this Quote
"Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals." Cynthia Heimel 4.0000 average rating Rate this Quote
"Since the Exodus, freedom has always spoken with a Hebrew accent." Heinrich Heine Rate this Quote
"Are we at last brought to such a humiliating and debasing degradation, that we cannot be trusted with arms for our own defence? Where is the difference between having our arms in our own possession and under our own direction, and having them under the management of Congress? If our defence be the_real_object of having those arms, in whose hands can they be trusted with more propriety, or equal safety to us, as in our own hands?" Patrick Henry 4.3750 average rating Rate this Quote
"Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy." Abraham Joshua Heschel 4.9000 average rating Rate this Quote
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1 Peter 4:7-8 Bible Abd Er-Rahman III Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Joshua Heschel Abraham Kuyper Alan Marshall Beck
Albert Camus Albert Einstein Aldous Leonard Huxley
Aleister Crowley Alexis Carrel Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
André Gide Anne Frank Anne Spencer Morrow Lindbergh
Ann Landers Aristotle Arthur Marx
A(ngelo) Bartlett Giamatti Benjamin Franklin Benjamin Nnamdi Azikiwe
Benjamin "Dizzy" Disraeli Bennett Alfred Cerf Bhagavad Gita
Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba Bill Maher Bruce Jenner
Buddha B. J. Gupta Carlos Castaneda
Caspar de Aguilar Charles Caleb Colton Charles Dickens
Charles Francis Adams, Sr. Charles Galloway Charles Mathias, Jr.
Charles Robert Darwin Child Age 7 Clarence Cramer
Clarence Day Clarence Seward Darrow Claude M. Bristol
Claudia Alta Taylor Johnson Clifton Paul Fadiman Clive Staples Lewis
Confucius Curtis Dahl Cynthia Heimel
Cyril Connolley Dag Hjalmar Agné Carl Hammarskjold Daniel J(oseph) Boorstin
Daniel Patrick Moynihan Dave Barry Dean Gooderham Acheson
Dean Koontz Donna Hedges Doug Larson
Douglas Noel Adams Doug Floyd Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Dr. Joyce Dr. Paul MacCready, Jr. Dr. Samuel Johnson
Dr. Viktor E(mil) Frankl Dr. William Claire Menninger Dwight David Eisenhower
D(avid) H(erbert) Lawrence D. A. Battista Earl Nightingale
Edna Ferber Edward Bedore Elbert Hubbard
Emily Elizabeth Dickinson Epicurus Erich Fromm
Eric Hoffer Erma Louise Bombeck Eugene Delacroix
Euripides E(dward) E(stlin) Cummings Fanny Brice
Fran Lebowitz Frank H. Crane Franz Kafka
Fredrich Halm F(rancis) Scott Galileo Galilei
Gamal Abdel Nasser Garry Gamble General Charles De Gaulle
George Burns George Frederick Handel George Gordon Byron
George Walker Bush Gerald R. Ford Giacomo Leopardi
Glenda Jackson Gordon R(upert) Dickson Gordon R. Diskson
Greg Norman Harold Green Harriet Du Autermont
Hebrews 12:2 Bible Heinrich Heine Helen Adams Keller
Henrik Ibsen Henri-Frédéric Amiel Henry Ford
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Henry Ward Beecher Henry James
Henry Robinson Luce Henry Steele Commager Herbert Butterfield
Herbert Clark Hoover Herman Hesse Horace
Horace Bushnell H. R. Haldeman Indira Nehru Gandhi
Irving Irving Layton Isak Dinesen
I Ching Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] Jacques Martin Barzun
James Anthony Froude James L. Mathews James Russel Lowell
Jean Kerr Jerome Seymour Bruner Jesse Louis Jackson
Joe Murray Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Johann Kepler
Johnny Carson John Blofeld John Calvin
John Cleese John Ervine John Fitzgerald Kennedy
John Fredericksen John Holt John Kenneth Galbraith
John K. Hutchens John Lahr John Morley
John Muir John Newton John Sloan Dickey
John von Neumann John W(illiam) Gardner Jorge Luis Borges
Joseph Addison Joyce Duco Jules Renard
Jules Feiffer Julius Henry Marx J(ames) William Fulbright
J(ean) Paul Getty J(ohn) Edgar Hoover Kahlil Gibran
Kareem Abdul-Jabar Karl Barth Karl von Clausewitz
Kathe Kolliqitz Kwan-Tzu Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
Lao-Tzu Leonardo da Vinci Lido Anthony "Lee" Iacocca
Lloyd Garrison Lou Dorfsman Lyndon Baines Johnson
Malcolm Stevenson Forbes Marcus Aelius Aurelius Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
Marc Chagall Marie Curie Mark McGee
Martin Luther Martin Luther King, Jr. Mary McLeod Bethune
Michael Horton Michelangelo Buonarroti Michel Fortin
Miguel de Cervantes Mme. de Sartory Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela Nero Claudius Caesar Neville Chamberlain
Nicholas Murray Butler Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev Oliver Bevan
Oliver L. North Omar Khayyám Oriana Fallaci
Oscar Ameringer Patrick Henry Pearl Bailey
Peggy Noonan Peter Fitzgerald Peter F(erdinand) Drucker
Peter Hoeg Philip Pietro Aretino
Psalm 37:11 TLB Bible P(hineas) T(aylor) Barnum Quentin Crisp
Rachel Blanchard Ralph Waldo Emerson Rena Harmon
Richard Exely Richard Hughes Richard Jordan
Richard Milhouse Nixon Rick Irving Robert
Robert Browning Robert G. Ingersoll Robert Albert Bloch
Robert Burton Robert Francis Kennedy Robert F. Bennett
Robert Green Ingersoll Robert Hall Robert Hewison
Robert Lee Frost Robert Maynard Hutchins Rodan of Alexandria
Romare Beardon R. J. Baughan R. M. Grenon
Saint Augustine Samuel Taylor Coleridge Samuel Butler
Saying Folk Serge Kahili King Shelby Harthcock
Sigmund Freud Sir Francis Bacon Sir James Matthew Barrie
Sir William Alton Jones Sir Winston Leonard Spenser Churchill Sophia Loren
Stephen Butler Leacock Steve Chandler Stewart B. Johnson
Sydney J. Harris Thomas Carlyle Thomas Jefferson
Thomas à Kempis Ursula K. LeGuin Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh
Vicki Baum Vincent Thomas "Vince" Lombardi Walter J. Lippmann
Walter Linn Walter Savage Landor Warren Buffett
Warren G. Bennis Wayne W(alter) Dyer Wernher Magnus Maximilian von Braun
Willa Sibert Cather William Blake William James
William Adams William Ellery Channing William E(dwart) Gladstone
William Faulkner William Hallman William James "Will" Durant
William John Bennett Will Cuppy Woody Allen
Wystan Hugh Auden W(illiam) Somerset Maugham Zora Neale Hurston
(Alfred) "Alistair" Cooke (Arthur) Joyce (Joseph) Rudyard Kipling
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