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"I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. 'I guess you're not an `afictionado',' she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our 'stink' around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"As we were driving, we saw a sign that said 'Watch For Rocks.' Marta said it should read 'Watch For PRETTY Rocks.' I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!"
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"The greatest gift is a passion for reading. It is cheap, it consoles, it distracts, it excites, it gives you knowledge of the world and experience of a wide kind. It is a moral illumination."
Elizabeth Hardwick
"It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that."
G. H. Hardy
"Books give not wisdome where none was before, But where some is, there reading makes it more."
Sir John Harington
"The reason that truth is stranger than fiction is that fiction has to have a rational thread running through it in order to be believable, whereas reality may be totally irrational."
Sydney J. Harris
"And I said to the one who stood at the gate of the year, 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the Unknown.' And he replied, 'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.'"
Minnie Haskins
"Most of us have been taught about the need to appropriate by faith what is already ours through grace. We all desire to have more joy in our Christian life. The keys to experiencing joy are available to all of us. We need to understand the gospel of the grace of God as revealed to the Apostle Paul. Then as we put Paul's instructions into practice, we will come to know God experientially. This will cause us to know Him better which will cause us to want to obey more, and on and on it goes. Then as we learn and obey God and become focused on spiritual things instead of earthly things, we will become thankful for everything that God has provided for us in Christ. Knowledge, obedience, and thankfulness will then lead to abundant joy in our everyday life! In the words of the old hymn: Trust and obey, For there's no other way, To be happy in Jesus, But to trust and obey."
David Havard
"If I have not read a book before, it is, for all intents and purposes, new to me whether it was printed yesterday or three hundred years ago."
William Hazlitt
"If we wish to know the force of human genius we should read Shakespeare. If we wish to see the insignificance of human learning we may study his commentators."
William Hazlitt
"Some people say it is better to appear foolish than open your mouth and remove all doubt. I say if it is already thought then you have nothing to lose."
Dane Helmers
"To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or slaves."
Claude Adrien Helvetius
"Hope is the poor man's bread."
George Herbert
"Our credulity is greatest concerning the things we know least about. And since we know least about ourselves, we are ready to believe all that is said about us. Hence the mysterious power of both flattery and calumny."
Eric Hoffer
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