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"The longest journey of any person is the journey inward."
Dag Hjalmar Agné Carl Hammarskjold
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute! I thought WE won!'"
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!"
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"I don't think I'm ever more 'aware' than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor---through some kind of space warp or something. 'Go, Bob, go!' yelled one of the generals. 'Give me that!' said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. 'Listen, Bob,' he said. 'You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth.' 'Yes, but how?' thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they kept the head, you'd probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you know, I bet it's surprisingly warm."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"War will cease when men refuse to fight."
F. Hansen
"We must determine whether we really want freedom--whether we are willing to dare the perils of...rebirth... For we never take a step forward without surrendering something that we may have held dear, without dying to that which has been."
Virginia Hanson
"Do not fear to step into the unknown For where there is risk, there is also reward."
Lori Hard
"Probably the most distinctive characteristic of the successful politician is selective cowardice."
Richard Harris
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