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"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
Dave Barry
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
Dave Barry
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
Dave Barry
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
Dave Barry
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
Dave Barry
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
Dave Barry
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
Dave Barry
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
Dave Barry
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
Dave Barry
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
Dave Barry
"I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
Dave Barry
"Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies."
Dave Barry
"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"
Dave Barry
"Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege."
Dave Barry
"A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"
Dave Barry
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
Dave Barry
"Of course the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ("'Yes, yes, YES!' moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture")."
Dave Barry
"Question: " I understand that Congress is considering a so-called 'flat' tax system. How would this work?" Answer: "If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool."
Dave Barry
"Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest."
Isaac Asimov
"Our character...is an omen of our destiny, and the more integrity we have and keep, the simpler and nobler that destiny is likely to be."
George Santayana
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