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"Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense."
Ambrose Bierce
"Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization."
Ambrose Bierce
"In a certain sense, and to a certain extent, he [the president] is the representative of the people. He is elected by them, as well as congress is. But can he, in the nature [of] things, know the wants of the people, as well as three hundred other men, coming from all the various localities of the nation? If so, where is the propriety of having a congress?"
Abraham Lincoln
"My friends-... I now leave, not knowing when, or whether ever, I may return, with a task before me greater than that which rested upon Washington. Without the assistance of that Divine Being, who ever attended him, I cannot succeed. With that assistance, I cannot fail."
Abraham Lincoln
"You have heard the story, haven't you, about the man who was tarred and feathered and carried out of town on a rail? A man in the crowd asked him how he liked it. His reply was that if it was not for the honor of the thing, he would much rather walk."
Abraham Lincoln
"Too many piglets not enough tits."
Abraham Lincoln
"As President, I have no eyes but constitutional eyes; I cannot see you."
Abraham Lincoln
"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary."
Mark Twain
"I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes."
Mark Twain
"We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess."
Mark Twain
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
Woody Allen
"If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out."
Woody Allen
"Be alert... the world needs more lerts."
Woody Allen
"I had an IQ test. The results came back negative."
Woody Allen
"I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
Woody Allen
"Death should not be seen as the end but as a very effective way to cut down expenses."
Woody Allen
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Woody Allen
"The way to make money in the stock market is to buy a stock. Then, when it goes up, sell it. If it's not going to go up, don't buy it!"
Will Rogers
"If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep."
Will Rogers
"The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense."
Tom Clancy
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