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"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, 'Well, technically that's illegal.' It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, 'Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.' He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: 'This story isn't too long.' But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, 'Uh-oh, this story is getting long.' But then the story was over, and I said to myself: 'You know, that story wasn't too long after all.' I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house!"
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"When you want something, it's not that easy. You have to know what you want and keep going for it."
Taylor Hanson
"We must determine whether we really want freedom--whether we are willing to dare the perils of...rebirth... For we never take a step forward without surrendering something that we may have held dear, without dying to that which has been."
Virginia Hanson
"Acceptance. It is the true thing everyone longs for. The one thing everyone craves. To walk in a room and to be greeted by everyone with hugs and smiles. And in that small passing moment, you truly know you're loved, needed, and accepted."
Rena Harmon
"Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better."
Sydney J. Harris
"People far prefer happiness to wisdom, but that is like wanting to be immortal without getting older."
Sydney J. Harris
"Most of us have been taught about the need to appropriate by faith what is already ours through grace. We all desire to have more joy in our Christian life. The keys to experiencing joy are available to all of us. We need to understand the gospel of the grace of God as revealed to the Apostle Paul. Then as we put Paul's instructions into practice, we will come to know God experientially. This will cause us to know Him better which will cause us to want to obey more, and on and on it goes. Then as we learn and obey God and become focused on spiritual things instead of earthly things, we will become thankful for everything that God has provided for us in Christ. Knowledge, obedience, and thankfulness will then lead to abundant joy in our everyday life! In the words of the old hymn: Trust and obey, For there's no other way, To be happy in Jesus, But to trust and obey."
David Havard
"Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them."
Paul Hawken
"The contemplation of truth and beauty is the proper object for which we were created, which calls forth the most intense desires of the soul, and of which it never tires."
William Hazlitt
"We are a people who do not want to keep much of the past in our heads. It is considered unhealthy in America to remember mistakes, neurotic to think about them, psychotic to dwell on them."
Lillian Hellman
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