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"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, 'Hey, old buddy, how's it going?'"
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'"
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Whenever anyone says 'I can't,' it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says 'I'll try,' five thousand bees. ('I can,' one bee.)"
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, 'Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.' He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: 'This story isn't too long.' But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, 'Uh-oh, this story is getting long.' But then the story was over, and I said to myself: 'You know, that story wasn't too long after all.' I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though."
Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
"The prejudice surrounding AIDS exacts a social death which precedes the actual physical one."
Tom Hanks
"We must determine whether we really want freedom--whether we are willing to dare the perils of...rebirth... For we never take a step forward without surrendering something that we may have held dear, without dying to that which has been."
Virginia Hanson
"Most of us have been taught about the need to appropriate by faith what is already ours through grace. We all desire to have more joy in our Christian life. The keys to experiencing joy are available to all of us. We need to understand the gospel of the grace of God as revealed to the Apostle Paul. Then as we put Paul's instructions into practice, we will come to know God experientially. This will cause us to know Him better which will cause us to want to obey more, and on and on it goes. Then as we learn and obey God and become focused on spiritual things instead of earthly things, we will become thankful for everything that God has provided for us in Christ. Knowledge, obedience, and thankfulness will then lead to abundant joy in our everyday life! In the words of the old hymn: Trust and obey, For there's no other way, To be happy in Jesus, But to trust and obey."
David Havard
"How anybody dresses is indicative of his self-concept. If students are dirty and ragged, it indicates they are not interested in tidying up their intellects either."
S(amuel) I(chiye) Hayakawa
"There's a little vanity chair that Charlie gave me the first Christmas we knew each other. I'll not be parting with that, nor our bed-the four-poster-I'll be needing that to die in."
Helen Hayes
"Jingshen is the Mandarin word for spirit and vivacity. It is an important word for those who would lead, because above all things, spirit and vivacity set effective organizations apart from those that will decline and die."
James L. Hayes
"Perhaps the best cure for the fear of death is to reflect that life has a beginning as well as an end. There was time when we were not; this gives us no concern -- why then should it trouble us that a time will come when we shall cease to be?"
William Hazlitt
"Envy, among other ingredients, has a mixture of love of justice in it. We are more angry at undeserved than at deserved good fortune."
William Hazlitt
"First impressions are often the truest, as we find (not infrequently) to our cost, when we have been wheedled out of them by plausible professions or studied actions. A man's look is the work of years; it is stamped on his countenance by the events of his whole life, nay, more, by the hand of nature, and it is not to be got rid of easily."
William Hazlitt
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