Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

Ranking: 2nd
Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
Search Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 's quotes

<< Previous 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 Next >>
Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire."	Honesty, Time, Truth
"If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you."	Time
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?"	Love, Monarchy
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."	Darkness, Light, Men
"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling."	Age, Courage, Evil
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it."	Men
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."	Men
"Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!"	Guns, Time
"Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet."	Life
"If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance."	Intentions, Learning, Time
"I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!"	Change, Memory, Military
"Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our 'stink' around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes."	Reading
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."	Change, Knowledge, Time
"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."	Choice, Evil, Hope
"Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings."	Death, Sin
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."	Lies, Military, Time
"I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. 'That was fun,' I said. 'You bet it was,' said Nick. 'Let's climb higher.' 'No,' I said. 'I think we should be heading back now.' 'We have time,' Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story."	Argument, Conflict, Decision-Making
"If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, 'Congratulations, it's a girl,' I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, 'A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!' and point to another father."	Evil, Patience
"Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers."	Freedom, Liberty, Quitting
"I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals."	Miscellaneous
<< Previous 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 Next >>

Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing