Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."	Men
"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."	Freedom, Liberty
"If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?"	Miscellaneous
"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."	Sanity
"If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus."	Evil, Money
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."	Darkness, Light, Men
"If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that."	Education, School, Teaching
"If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'"	Mistakes
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."	Lies, Military, Time
"If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming."	Friends
"If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance."	Intentions, Learning, Time
"If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not."	Art, Evil, Honesty
"If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject."	Education, School, Teaching
"If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they kept the head, you'd probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you know, I bet it's surprisingly warm."	Knowledge, Military, Sin
"If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, 'Can't you make it shoot farther?' No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."	Age, Art, Darkness
"If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite."	Art, Sin
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."	Miscellaneous
"If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: 'Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.'"	Evil, Help
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."	Strength
"If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, 'Well, technically that's illegal.' It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party."	Art, Desires, Evil
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing