Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

Ranking: 2nd
Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
Search Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 's quotes

<< Previous 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 Next >>
Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!"	Art, Hope, Life
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'"	Miscellaneous
"People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair."	Beauty, Humor, Laughter
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."	Miscellaneous
"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?"	Knowledge, Wisdom
"Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, 'Hey, have you seen Fred?' And they'll say, 'Fred who?' And you say, 'Fred of snakes?' Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming."	Ability, Humor, Laughter
"If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control."	Power, Sin
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."	Hope, Love, Monarchy
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."	Evil, Hope, Wishing
"When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV."	Change, Time
"I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!"	Lies, Men, Nature
"Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname 'Fly Head'. Normally, you would think that 'Fly Head' would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean 'having a head like a fly'? I'm afraid some people might actually think that."	Beauty, Change, Fear
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."	Strength
"Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that 'wishing' isn't going to save our national forests."	Art, Hope, Learning
"A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep."	Evil, Sleeping
"You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of 'accidentally' brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress."	Mistakes
"Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."	Miscellaneous
"Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving."	Decision-Making, Life, Men
"I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings."	Argument, Conflict, Monarchy
"Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn't there a saying that if it comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it as hard as you can? I thought I heard that somewhere."	Miscellaneous
<< Previous 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 Next >>

Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing