Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it."	Art, Hope, Wishing
"I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much."	Evil, Good, Hope
"I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something."	Fear, Hope, Patience
"I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point."	Change, Time
"I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that."	Men, Time
"I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!"	Lies, Men, Nature
"I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals."	Miscellaneous
"I'd rather be rich than stupid."	Stupidity
"I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call 'image fuzz-out.' But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here."	Age, Sin
"I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands."	Fear, Guns, Knowledge
"I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!"	Miscellaneous
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'"	Miscellaneous
"If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye."	Art, Evil, Hope
"If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say."	Men, Military, War
"If doctors ever tell you that you've 'flipped out,' don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me 'the Man' is behind this."	Lies, Men
"If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!"	Hope, Wishing
"If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!"	Miscellaneous
"If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!"	Art, Hope, Life
"If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me."	Miscellaneous
"If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out."	Love
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing