Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides."	Change, Desires, Patriotism
"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse."	Men, Military, Technology
"You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling."	Knowledge, Wisdom
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."	Lies, Monarchy
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'"	Desires, Lies, Monarchy
"If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been."	Knowledge, Love, Wisdom
"Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!"	Evil, Good, Imagination
"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"	Ability, Men
"One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me."	Art, Humor, Imagination
"The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, 'Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.'"	Age, Desires, Forgiveness
"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door."	Change, Knowledge, Men
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."	Desires, Monarchy, Money
"Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful."	Beauty, Change, Desires
"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun.'"	Age, Funerals, Guns
"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him."	Evil, Sin
"Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?"	Miscellaneous
"When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, 'Hey, good job.'"	Age, Evil, Monarchy
"If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say."	Men, Military, War
"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called 'Dad.' We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."	Age, Memory, Strength
"When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often."	Assumptions, Art, Freedom
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing