Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"I think a new, different kind of bowling should be 'carpet bowling.' It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!"	Knowledge, Wisdom
"I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say."	Life, Monarchy
"I think my favorite monster movie is 'Gone With the Wind', because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster."	Miscellaneous
"I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick."	Age, Art, Men
"I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?"	Miscellaneous
"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."	Freedom, Liberty
"I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard."	Men
"I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away."	Miscellaneous
"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend.'"	Friends, Mistakes, Monarchy
"I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense."	Knowledge, Men, Monarchy
"I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy."	Adversity, Difficulty
"I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."	Evil, Good, Hope
"I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president."	Hope, Wishing
"I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us 'ants,' because we hate that."	Hope, Life, Wishing
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."	Hope, Money, Time
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."	Hope, Men, Wishing
"I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, 'Looking for gold, ya durn fool.' He'd say, 'Your pick is gold.' And I'd say, 'well, that was easy.' Good joke, huh?"	Age, Art, Evil
"I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and 'rogue' sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, 'Regular time?' And they'd say, 'Yeah.' And I'd say, 'Sorry, all I have is rogue time.' It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy."	Hope, Life, Sorrow
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."	Hope, Love, Monarchy
"I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, 'Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship.' Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship."	Hope, Wishing
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing