Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''"	Evil, Good, Time
"If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny."	Age, Humor, Laughter
"If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, 'Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink."	Age, Art, Freedom
"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know."	Age, Anger, Knowledge
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"	Death, Hope, Money
"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture."	Death, Education, Friends
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."	Death, Humor, Laughter
"You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you."	Knowledge, Wisdom
"To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing.' This is truth, to me."	Honesty, Intelligence, Memory
"If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, 'Forgive me, but that's just too much.'"	Evil, Forgiveness
"My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one 'swollen' shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake."	Miscellaneous
"Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."	Lies, Monarchy
"I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick."	Age, Art, Men
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade."	Military, Monarchy, War
"When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me."	Men
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."	Age, Humor, Laughter
"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."	Freedom, Liberty
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."	Music
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."	Hope, Men, Wishing
"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."	Sanity
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
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