Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags."	Mistakes, Time
"Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet."	Life, Men
"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?"	Lies
"I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, 'Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship.' Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship."	Hope, Wishing
"If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith."	Life, Time
"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"	Change, Evil
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."	Beauty, Lies
"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"	Evil, Sorrow
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."	Hope, Intentions, Wishing
"You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!"	Knowledge, Sin, Wisdom
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."	Ability, Fear, Hope
"If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!"	Hope, Wishing
"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."	Evil, Happiness, Joy
"If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it."	Friends
"Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs."	Military, War
"Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way."	Knowledge, Wisdom
"I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us 'ants,' because we hate that."	Hope, Life, Wishing
"I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. 'THAT'S MISTER SWENSON,' they said. Oh, my mistake."	Age, Knowledge, Life
"Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?"	Life
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."	Anger, Peace
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing