Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."	Lies, Monarchy
"I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, 'If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.' Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh."	Art, Destruction, Evil
"I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!"	Miscellaneous
"I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, 'Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later.'"	Art, Religion
"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."	History
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'"	Desires, Lies, Monarchy
"I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!"	Miscellaneous
"I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel."	Time
"I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings."	Argument, Conflict, Monarchy
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."	Military, Monarchy, War
"I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit."	Miscellaneous
"I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, 'Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!' We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do."	Age
"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?' or 'Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?' Man, quit being so cheap!"	Men, Quitting
"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?"	Knowledge, Wisdom
"I don't say that the bird is 'good' or the bat is 'bad.' But I will say this: At least the bird is less nude."	Evil, Good
"I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet."	Men
"I don't think I'm ever more 'aware' than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer."	Military, War
"I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet."	Evil, Generosity, Good
"I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear."	Change, Life, Men
"I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh, well, never saw HIM again."	Art, Help, Men
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing