Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass."	Art, Knowledge, Wisdom
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."	Military, Monarchy, War
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."	Darkness, Light, Men
"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him."	Evil, Sin
"Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around."	Miscellaneous
"If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors."	Change, Law
"I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet."	Evil, Generosity, Good
"There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then 'skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is."	Age, Desires, Life
"When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV."	Change, Time
"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness."	Miscellaneous
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."	Hope, Men, Wishing
"Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?"	Miscellaneous
"I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. 'That was fun,' I said. 'You bet it was,' said Nick. 'Let's climb higher.' 'No,' I said. 'I think we should be heading back now.' 'We have time,' Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story."	Argument, Conflict, Decision-Making
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition."	Ambition
"After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, 'Hey, old buddy, how's it going?'"	Age, Death, Time
"When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, 'Hey, good job.'"	Age, Evil, Monarchy
"I think a new, different kind of bowling should be 'carpet bowling.' It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!"	Knowledge, Wisdom
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it."	Men
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."	Ability, Fear, Hope
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."	Desires, Monarchy, Money
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing