Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"I'd rather be rich than stupid."	Stupidity
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."	Age, Art, Evil
"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."	Age, Knowledge, Sleeping
"Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around."	Miscellaneous
"I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!"	Miscellaneous
"I don't think I'm ever more 'aware' than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer."	Military, War
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."	Miscellaneous
"There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey,' because every week you could have a guy say 'I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY,' but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that."	Time
"I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, 'You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand.' And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum."	Age, Evil, Knowledge
"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend.'"	Friends, Mistakes, Monarchy
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."	Age, Humor, Monarchy
"It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."	Art, Evil, Good
"I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands."	Fear, Guns, Knowledge
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."	Art, Curiosity
"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."	Age, Books, Decision-Making
"It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating."	Miscellaneous
"We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town."	Humor, Laughter
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."	Evil, Lies, Time
"If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato."	Age, Men, Sin
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."	Art
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing