Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."	Death, Humor, Laughter
"Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, 'Hey, have you seen Fred?' And they'll say, 'Fred who?' And you say, 'Fred of snakes?' Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming."	Ability, Humor, Laughter
"Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way."	Knowledge, Wisdom
"Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are."	Miscellaneous
"During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'"	Age, Mistakes
"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again."	Accomplishment, Achievement
"Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers."	Freedom, Liberty, Quitting
"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.'"	Art, Change, Fear
"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness."	Miscellaneous
"Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving."	Decision-Making, Life, Men
"Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he stops."	Happiness, Joy
"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun.'"	Age, Funerals, Guns
"Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, 'Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?' (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)"	Evil, Sin
"Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go 'Whoa! Whoa!' and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in."	Art, Evil, Humor
"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy."	Age, Art, Desires
"Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it."	Evil, Honesty, Truth
"Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you."	Humor, Laughter
"Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture."	Change, Desires, Life
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."	Anger, Peace
"How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive."	Miscellaneous
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing