Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

Ranking: 2nd
View Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] on www.s9.com
Search Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] 's quotes

Sponsored Links

<< Previous 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 Next >>
Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake."	Miscellaneous
"I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge."	Art, Humor, Laughter
"If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin."	Monarchy, Strength
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."	Humor, Laughter, Men
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."	Men
"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?' or 'Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?' Man, quit being so cheap!"	Men, Quitting
"I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."	Evil, Good, Hope
"If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life."	Age, Life
"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up."	Miscellaneous
"I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick."	Age, Art, Men
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade."	Military, Monarchy, War
"A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.)"	Miscellaneous
"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."	Freedom, Liberty
"I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, 'Hey, let's put him in the movie.'"	Art, Evil, Monarchy
"If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something."	Miscellaneous
"I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel."	Time
"Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?"	Friends, Life
"Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you."	Humor, Laughter
"I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain."	Age, Art, Desires
"If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going to go ahead and keep you in the 'happy' category."	Evil, Happiness, Joy
<< Previous 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 Next >>

Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing