Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?"	Life
"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.'"	Art, Change, Fear
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides."	Change, Desires, Patriotism
"If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you."	Monarchy, Sin
"It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight."	Anger, Argument, Conflict
"If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite."	Art, Sin
"I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. 'Get down!' yelled Uncle Lou. 'Don't move!' screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that."	Memory, Men
"I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say."	Life, Monarchy
"It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating."	Miscellaneous
"I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet."	Men
"If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye."	Art, Evil, Hope
"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"	Change, Evil
"I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals."	Miscellaneous
"If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early."	Art, Lies, Time
"I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit."	Miscellaneous
"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic."	Miscellaneous
"I think my favorite monster movie is 'Gone With the Wind', because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster."	Miscellaneous
"Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful."	Beauty, Change, Desires
"If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not."	Art, Evil, Honesty
"It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you."	Evil, Fear
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing