Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, 'Injection? I thought you said `inspection'.' They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it."	Evil, Good
"Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture."	Change, Desires, Life
"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"	Ability, Men
"Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts."	Change, Time
"If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you."	Age, Sin
"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."	Argument, Art, Conflict
"I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, 'Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship.' Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship."	Hope, Wishing
"If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith."	Life, Time
"I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call 'image fuzz-out.' But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here."	Age, Sin
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."	Evil, Lies, Time
"I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point."	Change, Time
"If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny."	Age, Humor, Laughter
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."	Art, Curiosity
"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot."	America, Education, Hope
"Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?"	Honesty, Truth
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."	Hope, Money, Time
"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy."	Choice, Death
"The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. 'Uh-oh,' he thought. 'This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.'"	Art
"If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away."	Miscellaneous
"If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted."	Darkness, Light, Monarchy
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing