Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.'"	Age, Evil, Money
"People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening."	Miscellaneous
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."	Miscellaneous
"I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it."	Art, Hope, Wishing
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."	Hope, Love, Monarchy
"How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive."	Miscellaneous
"I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands."	Fear, Guns, Knowledge
"When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe."	Art, Mistakes
"We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?"	Criticism, Lies
"It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, 'You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.' Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up."	Art, Knowledge, Men
"People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes?"	Ability, Assumptions, Monarchy
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."	Age, Art, Evil
"If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'"	Mistakes
"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you."	Change, Death, Time
"If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?"	Life
"I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that."	Men, Time
"If doctors ever tell you that you've 'flipped out,' don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me 'the Man' is behind this."	Lies, Men
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."	Music
"Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth?"	Miscellaneous
"During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'"	Age, Mistakes
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing