Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Biography of Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy."	Choice, Death
"Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise."	Military, Monarchy, War
"Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!"	Miscellaneous
"I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!"	Miscellaneous
"I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear."	Change, Life, Men
"I think my favorite monster movie is 'Gone With the Wind', because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster."	Miscellaneous
"If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not."	Art, Evil, Honesty
"I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge."	Art, Humor, Laughter
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."	Humor, Laughter, Men
"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."	Freedom, Liberty
"Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are."	Miscellaneous
"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward."	Anger, Courage, Men
"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!"	Humor, Laughter, Time
"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."	Monarchy
"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."	Change, Darkness, Life
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."	Men
"I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, 'Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!' We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do."	Age
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."	Military, Monarchy, War
"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"	Knowledge, Lies, Men
"I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."	Evil, Excellence, Memory
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing