Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings."	Death, Sin
"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"	Evil, Sorrow
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."	Hope, Intentions, Wishing
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."	Books, Evil, Justice
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."	Lies, Monarchy
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."	Evil, Hope, Wishing
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."	Lies, Military, Time
"You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)"	Knowledge, Men, Wisdom
"I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."	Evil, Excellence, Memory
"You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!"	Knowledge, Sin, Wisdom
"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."	Miscellaneous
"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling."	Age, Courage, Evil
"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy."	Age, Art, Desires
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."	Anger, Peace
"Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."	Age, Fear, Sin
"One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me."	Art, Humor, Imagination
"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again."	Accomplishment, Achievement
"If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you."	Time
"If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!"	Art, Hope, Life
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'"	Desires, Lies, Monarchy
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing