Dave Barry

Ranking: 11th
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."	God, Stupidity
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."	God, Stupidity
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."	God, Stupidity
"I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"	God, Stupidity
"Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies."	God, Stupidity
"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"	God, Stupidity
"Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege."	God, Stupidity
"A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"	God, Stupidity
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."	God, Stupidity
"SAT tests are designed by huge panels of experts in education and psychology who work for years to design tests in which not one single question measures any bit of knowledge that anyone might actually need in the real world. We should applaud kids for getting lower scores."	Wisdom
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once."	Anti-God, Birth
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once."	Anti-God, Birthdays
"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."	Music
"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."	Economics, Dancing
"If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies."	America
"I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either."	Anti-God, Basketball
"In college, Yuppies major in business administration. If to meet certain requirements they have to take a liberal arts course, they take Business Poetry."	Business
"I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body."	Football
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"	Holidays
"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space."	Holidays
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America	Anti-God	Argument
Art	Assumptions	Basketball
Birth	Birthdays	Business
Choice	Computers	Conflict
Dancing	Death	Economics
Excellence	Football	Friends
God	History	Holidays
Intelligence	Knowledge	Law
Leadership	Learning	Life
Love	Men	Military
Miscellaneous	Music	Politics
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Taxes	Television	Time
War	Wisdom	Women