Dave Barry

Ranking: 11th
Biography of Dave Barry
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"[There is] a breed of fashion models … who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary."	Art
"Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it."	God, Computers
"The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on."	God, Computers
"And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."	God, Stupidity
"I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose."	God, Stupidity
"Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved."	God, Stupidity
"Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others."	God, Stupidity
"Murphy's golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules."	God, Stupidity
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."	God, Stupidity
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."	God, Stupidity
"Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies."	God, Stupidity
"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"	God, Stupidity
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."	God, Stupidity
"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."	Music
"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."	Economics, Dancing
"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space."	Holidays
"I do not mean to be the slightest bit critical of TV newspeople, who do a superb job, considering that they operate under severe time constraints and have the intellectual depth of hamsters. But TV news can only present the "bare bones" of a story; it takes a newspaper, with its capability to present vast amounts of information, to render the story truly boring."	Quotations
"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club."	Politics
"Of course the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ("'Yes, yes, YES!' moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture")."	God, Taxes
"Question: " I understand that Congress is considering a so-called 'flat' tax system. How would this work?" Answer: "If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool."	God, Taxes
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America	Anti-God	Argument
Art	Assumptions	Basketball
Birth	Birthdays	Business
Choice	Computers	Conflict
Dancing	Death	Economics
Excellence	Football	Friends
God	History	Holidays
Intelligence	Knowledge	Law
Leadership	Learning	Life
Love	Men	Military
Miscellaneous	Music	Politics
Quotations	Sin	Stupidity
Taxes	Television	Time
War	Wisdom	Women