Dave Barry

Ranking: 11th
Biography of Dave Barry
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"	God, Stupidity
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."	God, Stupidity
"And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."	God, Stupidity
"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath."	Television
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."	God, Stupidity
"Black holes are where God divided by zero."	God, Stupidity
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."	God, Stupidity
"Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved."	God, Stupidity
"Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00"	God, Stupidity
"Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."	God, Stupidity
"Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege."	God, Stupidity
"For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord."	God, Stupidity
"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."	God, Stupidity
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."	God, Stupidity
"Fred was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing area."	God, Stupidity
"Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it."	God, Computers
"How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"	God, Stupidity
"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."	Argument, Art, Conflict
"I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"	God, Stupidity
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."	God, Stupidity
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Browse Dave Barry quotes by category:

America	Anti-God	Argument
Art	Assumptions	Basketball
Birth	Birthdays	Business
Choice	Computers	Conflict
Dancing	Death	Economics
Excellence	Football	Friends
God	History	Holidays
Intelligence	Knowledge	Law
Leadership	Learning	Life
Love	Men	Military
Miscellaneous	Music	Politics
Quotations	Sin	Stupidity
Taxes	Television	Time
War	Wisdom	Women