Dave Barry

Ranking: 11th
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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."	Death, Military, War
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."	Art, History, Sin
"Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings."	Law, Love
"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home."	Assumptions, Art, History
"I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care."	Miscellaneous
"You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'"	Miscellaneous
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."	Choice, Life, Men
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."	Sin
"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."	Argument, Art, Conflict
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."	Death
"[There is] a breed of fashion models � who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary."	Art
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."	Art
"RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages."	God, Computers
"Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz."	God, Computers
"Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou."	God, Computers
"Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it."	God, Computers
"Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations."	God, Computers
"The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on."	God, Computers
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."	God, Stupidity
"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."	God, Stupidity
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America	Anti-God	Argument
Art	Assumptions	Basketball
Birth	Birthdays	Business
Choice	Computers	Conflict
Dancing	Death	Economics
Excellence	Football	Friends
God	History	Holidays
Intelligence	Knowledge	Law
Leadership	Learning	Life
Love	Men	Military
Miscellaneous	Music	Politics
Quotations	Sin	Stupidity
Taxes	Television	Time
War	Wisdom	Women